With the coming of every election, confusion reigns supreme at poling booths all over the country. Each party's dedicated faithful hand out a form of instant litter known as 'how to vote cards' and the ever-growing army of floating voters ignores them.

 

The 'how to vote card' is a political paradox. It can be very useful when deciding how not to vote, despite the unconscionable vitriol spewed out daily in the gutter press of the Rupert the Dirty Digger.

 

Down at the booth on poling day -

'how to vote cards' on display -

said vote for us or her or him.

I dropped mine in the garbage bin.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

True blue Liberals, at the gate,

born to rule, accept your fate;

our tax cuts will make you rich,

or have you living in a ditch.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

Labor with red banners bold

say our guy has a heart of gold,

wait 'til you hear what he's planned,

he'll lead us to the Promised Land.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The National party wanted me,

to vote their way and plainly see

the hardships farming desert sand,

bulldozing forests and clearing land.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The Independent’s looking grim.

no one will take a card from him,

he's a closet Liberal, that we know,

but he's trying not to let it show.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The sad little Greenie, all alone

sat talking on his mobile phone,

the deal is done; vote this way please,

your preferences will save the trees.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The Shooter's party in cowboy boots,

said we ain't trigger happy brutes,

we need our guns for work and play,

and for shooting signs on the motorway.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The Cannabis party, to the point,

Said vote for us, and rolled a joint,

Cracking jokes, and playing the fool,

I'm with you man. Hey man that's cool.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The Flat Earth party came along,

said vote for us, you can't go wrong,

we'll fight on and on and never yield,

Our world's a level playing field.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

The Gay Whale Freedom girl or guy

said 'hello sailor' and winked an eye,

come out with us, we'll set you free

and then sprayed perfume over me.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

 Don’t worry now; just keep your nerve,

you can get the government you deserve.

Go, go Clive Palmer – don’t you see,

I'll start a party - come and vote for me.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

Oh nooo! I couldn't vote like that.

 

Cast this lot aside, they are too absurd.

I rule from afar, you can take my word.

I’m the Dirty Digger and I’m in charge,

puppets jump, to my word writ large.

 

Vote this way, don’t be a prat.

(Everybody – with feeling)

Oh nooo! we couldn't vote like that.

 

From: An Evening With Strathfield Poets

September 2013 © Dermott Ryder