Fell in love with a girl from across the country once... 


I love you and I miss you. Distance holds me in a solitary cell.

I’m writing while confined by distorted visions of us.

I hold onto pictures of you in my mind,

i’m defined, by desperation behind these iron bars - of miles and miles - of red dirt which separates us.


I’m on my knees forced to look at a mirage of you held hostage by a lovers expectation.

The distance calls a ransom, and its ‘TIME’.

Now i’m looking for answers, a minute passes,

beeping in sync with my heartbeat. Oh god, give us TIME,

we are worth it I swear, we’ll prove it. 


In this backstreet of circumstances sits a symphony of chances,

full of music full of symbolic branches of red roses,

full of romantic glances, full of first and forever dances,

full of ‘i’ll hold you through tough times’,

full of so many romantic rhymes,

full of overcoming hardships, full of journeys in starships,

full of ‘I’ll go to the moon’ and full of ‘honey, i’ll see you in the afternoon’

and full of beautiful babies watching cartoons,

so many nights full of red wine and slow dances to our tunes,

full of anniversary honeymoons cause you’d be my sunshine.

Full of intense lovers making love and lusting for each other trusting one another, groans and moans, rushing against your body

so many nights full of goose bumps, full of discovering unknowns.... 


Then I wake up, bruised, broken and battered, Ahh!!

distance holds me captive in this cell, but I promise to break out of this hell........... and be with you 

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love the effusive gush and the reference to the tradition of the prisoner's verses...

Umm I must confess that I have read many poems like this. The sadness of being apart from the one you love is a common theme. However this does have some good metaphors and images. The problem with it is that some of them are mixed metaphors. Ideas seem to run together without a common link and so it reads like a first draft.

you heard Stephanie! I'd also recommend creating paragraph form to respect the rhyme, even though the rhymes shine in free verse- sounds very spoken word, for if it is, is GREAT! and come to my event (and that's a shameless plug!)

I am not sure if the metaphors are mixed but they are disparate (sorry to be slightly disagreeable lol)... from orchestras to starships and roses..very Richard Strauss (composer) references...not sure if you intended that.... the "lover's complaint" form never did travel straight without drafting.

Love poetry, read Pablo Neruda...killer! 

 

wheres your event at bud.. would love to come if i can get work around it :) 

Oh wow... real critics woo!! thank you so much guys.. thank you for the time you put into your feed back.. this is definitely more of a spoken word style poem... sounds much better when you read it out... :) In reply to Stephanie - re: I haven't read any with the same metaphors but thats cause I haven't read too many poems I guess (except persian) .. Im a real novice :/ so please excuse any lacks, show comings, flaws.. i wrote this in 5 minutes.. I only write when the words come out.. lol.. I should practice much more... but thank you again.. :) Oh and I hadn't really written many love poems before but then I met someone and I felt comfy enough to write to her... and so I have all these little bits and pieces now :) I'll post somemore.. appreciate all the feed back :) 

better in this format? :) 

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