This year I sought a new partner, a hot new lady friend,
Us Aussie guys love good women you know, its a well established trend,
I had a back ache and a tooth ache which gave me a head ache so
A mate told me about this New Age treatment called Reiki hence I thought I'd give it a go.
I got dressed in my cleanest pair of jeans,and my coolest Tshirt that never fails
to attract attention with its F word, the one I got from one of St Vinny's annual Christmas sales
I went off  to the little shop of miracles in a trendy arcade,
and met the most beautiful woman that evolution had ever made.
She was a New Age Christian Buddhist Shaman specialising in orgasm and exorcism,
She also run a side line in Reiki, oragami and circumcision
I was in love ...  so asked her for a date
She said. Maybe! .......If you were a little more spiritual mate,

My heart was aflutter, as flighty as a feather,
She wanted me to be more spiritual so we could go astral flying together.
After her Reiki magic, my back ache was cured, my tooth ache was over,my headache was fine,
and I was determined that this shaman healer babe was soon going to be mine.
I shot down to the local pub to watch the footy and told me best mate Dan,
After a few beers together he said I think I have it mate ....  a truely strategic plan
You'll need a spiritual makeover, you'll need some hippy gear and beads
You'll need to know some mantras, how to meditate and all about Bhuddha's deeds
You'll need to be a vegan or a vegie nut at least,
You won't be able to eat a juicy steak from any bird or beast.
You'll be excommunicated from Maccas and the colonel will forget your name,
You'll have your picture erased from the Red Rooster and Pizza Halls of Fame,

You'll need to eat your vegies mixed with cottage cheese,  
eat lotsa fruit and rabbit food and honey from organic bees,
You'll need to brew your own yogurt, made from the milk of low fat goats,
and bake your own bread from gluten free flour, millet and brown oats,
You'll need to drink herbal teas, made of ginger , fruit and flowers,
and if you use the right mushmooms you'll think youve got magic powers,
Your mates at the church will disown you, they'll say youve gone quite weird
but you'll be able to able to walk around half naked and grow a massive beard.
If the priest comes around to see you and tell you what your doings a sin
just offer him some herbal cookies and wait and watch and grin.
I said. 'Stop right there mate!  I like your cunning plan and I'm feeling very keen,
Soon I'm gona be the most most spiritual guy this woman has ever seen.'

I left the bar and made a bee line to the store
With plastic money in my hand, I passed thru David Jones' door,
The first sales guy that came along I asked him loud and clear,
Where's your spiritual clothing department mate I want to buy some of your gear,
I've got a new chick that's into Bhuddha and his mates, she's thinks he's pretty good,
I'd like some gear thats real cool of course and preferably with a hood,   
He looked me up and down and said 'Are you trying to be funny?'
'You really dont look the spiritiual type but hell I am here to take your money.'
First you'll need some Tibetan clobber to really look the part,
These jeans in yak wool are transcedental, they'll steal away her heart,
This tee shirt of the fat man will put her doubts at ease ,
and when she sees this row of Oms she'll weaken at the knees.

You'll need a healing crystal and with this book you can't fail,
Its the A to Z of ISMs and its half price as its our final winter sale.
Get into this and learn the talk, as Lenin said 'Its easy if you try!'
Be groovy man, be an authentic individual with a cosmic third eye,
There's a questionaire in the back to see which ones suit you the best.
If those don't work or seem too hard, just roll a D20 and try one of the rest.
I checked out the index and here's a taste of what I saw.
adamism and eveism,  buddhism,  canabolism- but isn't that against the law,
There was dualism, egoism, fettishism,  gnosticism, hedonism, islamism,
jainism, kantism, lamaism, monoism, nanoism which is a small religion in the US I'm told,
pastafarianism, quantum mechanicism, rastafarianism and finally spiritualism and I was sold.

But wait there's more the sales guy said we've got music that'll get you in the mood,
Chanting monks and shamen horms and indian flutes are all good mental food,
We've got great spiritual music from good old Aus and every other nation,
and as a special gift this month we give a free CD in transcedental meditation.
Thanks a lot, I said quite pleased, you've helped me quite a deal,
I'll take the gear and the wonderous book and start to get the feel,
I went home past the local pub and bought a half a case,
Of rye whiskey to help my spiritual studies and put a smile upon my face.
I studied that little book for more than half a week,
I learned about enlightenment, its what Buddha said to seek,
I learned how to meditate while standing on my head,
but I found it much more comfortable while lying drunk upon the bed,

I learned about the dharma and my chakre with its energy ebb and flow,
If I drank too much or slept too long my energy would sink and go,
I learned some tantric tricks that would give my chakre some real zest,
In theory, my tired old lingam would be at its cosmic best,
I'd have the stamina of a bull and my aura would be clear and bright,
I was confident that this goddess was in the bag and the timing now was right,
I chanted a mantra to Buddha and recalled a koen from Zen,
It was about the mysteries of women and the pathways to bliss for men,
Armed with all this great knowedge and clothed in my new spiritual gear,
I hurried down to the arcade to make my intentions quite clear,  
I said hello babe I'm here to set your heart on fire and ask you for a date.
I'm truely spiritual, I seek only harmony, bliss and cosmic unity when I meditate.

She looked me up and down and said I think you've got it a little wrong.
By spiritual I meant I really come alive when I'm at a game and hear our National song.
I work here to make a living but its on field where my spirit really soars,
I like a real sportman, one who likes it rough, a little bit of biffo and when the crowd roars,
I like to see those bodies coated in sweat, hear the shouts and cries and screams,
and the whistle of the Ref as he tries to arbitrate the battle between the rival teams.
I also like the tennis, and I'll sit all day at the cricket with an esky full of beer,
I love them bowling rockets down the pitch and at every six I'll jump and yell and cheer,
So as you see I'm really only spiritual about sport and perhaps good music to boot,
my jobs just for money to pay the rent, for clothes and food and wine and I like a good root,
You're in luck, I said, I'm really spiritual very much like you, I'll change back to my sporting gear
Lets order a pizza and watch a footy game, make love and you can try my home made ginger beer

She nodded and said that sounds pretty good as a smile broke out across her face.
Then she said 'But before we make love we'll have to meditate and when we finish say grace.'
I froze and she saw the look of shock and horror on my face, she whispered 'Just joking!' with a mischevious grin.
Then I thanked the lord for Aussie women, their sense of humor and their love for sport and grog and sin.


The end