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Lee, this feels like a tweet more than a poem. Where's the last line with its gentle punch? LJ

Its a haiku, Lorne. 5-7-5 syllables.....although not a precise translation of the Japanese form, it was the way I was taught. I've posted a few haiku and senryu on twitter.....perfect vehicle for it.

Your question about a last line is interesting. Well, if this wasn't a haiku it could possibly belong in a poem I wrote a few months ago, called 'Only the feintest scars'... which I've modified below.

Three one-dollar coins... enough for one load of wash. Saturday Laundrette. I lay awake. Washing line. Leopard-like domestic cat. Blue-grey branches reach into the night. All this time… yours/mine… Silent breaths calm my soul and still my tired mind. We missed each other. Just. Now you’re the rain against my window… the burn I try not to feel and only the feintest scars remain.

Don't think my reaction was critical, Lee. I'm still learning to get things right! Poetry can be hard work and unfortunately, a poem is nothing without its serious audience and critical reception. 

I prefer the multiplicity and poignancy of what you offer up in this expanded version, especially, 'now you're the rain against my window', a really stunning phrase. I reckon it should be the last line of your poem. 

LJ. 

I didn't think you were being critical at all. Obviously it being a haiku didn't register, but that's cool.

I'm glad you're feeling the longer version.. I like it too, although for me, every added word increases the possibility of a layer of bullsh*t forming over the original idea. Its the same reason I prefer drawing to painting.

Feel free to critique any of my poems, Lorne. I'm always interested in hearing other perspectives..... very illuminating.

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