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Crescent shaped moons
and filaments of shining lead
fill a hole above
your head and mine.
We call it night sky -
there is wonder.
How to know but beyond this?
We are taught and told
old things
brokered fragments
borrowed tongues
ashen thread.
the resin surrounding an idea
comes
sliding
loose
on these summer nights;
heady aromas of jasmine tree and
pumpkin spice
have humanised the Gods.
and yet our fingers grasp
solid and insured
by whispers from a
past.
there is wonder
in the faith
of a simple human sky.
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Many thanks Phillip. I am so glad to hear that you are enjoying these words.
Dear oh dear another poem that has three fundamental errors. The first is "purpose" or theme. There is no discernable theme. For example: brokered fragments borrowed tongues ashen thread. These words don't add meaning. the second flaw is that it lacks any structure. It's free verse let run on the beach like a dog teased waves of meaning but finding nothing real there. The final error is the lack of structure. It is clearly a first draft and reads like that. Sadly the metaphor of a crecent moon is good but it drowns the meaning.
Hi Stephanie, thanks for the feedback. I am sorry that you were unable to find:
1) the purpose/theme of, or
2) the structure to this piece
(you said there were 3 errors, but #2 and #3 were both structure?)
I can assure you that purpose, theme and structure were definitely part of the process, however. I guess you were just unable to find them.
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